the best friend
by old rose
Summary: it's definitely hard to feel regret and great lost. it's even harder to realize that you had the chance to change something and yet you failed to do it. a letter full of pains,hope and promises. a letter from sirius...ONE SHOT!


DISCLAIMER: the characters are not mine, their J.K.'s.  
  
SUMMARY: actually, do I have to have a summary for a one- shot fic? Anyway, here it goes, if I have to. This fic is an entry from Sirius' diary when he was in hiding maybe, I don't even know when. This idea just popped into my head. It's about what Sirius is truly feeling for his best friend's wife.

......................................................................................................................  
  
_ 22nd August_

Seeing her go with him in their first date nearly made me fainted for it's _them_. I know both of them are in Gryffindor but it seemed impossible to see the all Miss Prim and Proper, Lily Evans be with the Number One Rule- Breaking Master, Mr. Potter himself. I mean, James was a really great guy to hang out with, but _them_ together? Lily always said that their group really bugs her because of their liking of rule breaking and stuff. Even wondering why we had our nicknames: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. She didn't know until they went out. I _like_ her and seeing her go with my best friend really broke my heart. It's not that I don't want James to be happy but off all the girls he had went out with, why _her_?  
  
And because of that, James made me want to change myself for her to notice me more than as a friend. Change, so that I would be like him. But the problem is that I don't know what to change, because we are so ALIKE! More than twins if there's a greater bond created in this universe than that. Clones probably. Who knows?  
  
And seeing her go with him in their "weekend dates" made me feel as if I was hit by a baseball bat directly at my head. I even remember the times where we would all go to Hogsmeade all together and the two of them going their own way for their usual date. I even remember the times when Lily would ask me in the first few months in their relationship what James really like so that she could give it to him in their monthly anniversary. That really tortures me inside. I even sometimes get irritated that I want to tell her to get him the latest broomstick so he could use it in their games of Quidditch. That I doubt, she will buy for broomsticks are one of the most expensive things in this world. Sometimes I would even tell her to ask someone else for I'm 'busy', but the truth was that I don't want to and I'm not interested at giving them more tips to love the other more. But I can't resist her and the way she would plead to me that there's nobody else to ask but me because I'm his bestest friend. At least, she thinks that there's nobody else but me. Hell, that's why now I only realized that we are really clones of each other for we even like the same girl.  
  
And what even bothered, no, that's not the word, really hit me ten times harder and stronger than being smashed by a baseball bat when seeing them together was when James asked me if I could prepare a special date for the two of them when we were working already.  
  
He was going to propose.  
  
And me, being the best friend, can't do nothing else but do it as a favor for my brother. Maybe, he would suspect that something was wrong if I don't have a valid reason why I can't or more specifically don't want to. And it's not only about that, I was a best friend to her for she would come to me if there's a problem between them, for advice of what will she do with James when they have their petty and sometimes not so petty fights. All I can do was comfort her for I can't do anything more but that. I was their friend. Nothing more, nothing less. That's all, final. Period. No Questions Asked.  
  
And what even slapped me harder than ever before, if that's anymore possible was when she said YES.  
  
Then, I realized that I didn't just like her, or even jealous of him getting the girl I adore and admired... I love her. That fact had officially knocked me off my seat. It seemed so shallow because there are other girls that could be with me but the fact that I didn't do anything when I had the chance to get her affection made me think that I'm one of the most stupid and dumb and probably the most at that for not doing anything to get what I loved. _I was afraid to take that risk.  
_  
Instead, I was caged in my own depression, frustration and deep regret.  
  
And seeing her walking gracefully on the aisle, Remus at her side moving closer towards the altar, me beside the groom made me feel that I was being tortured by the death eaters. The feeling of a certain lost and the regret that was inside me was beyond words for even I can't explain. Even myself, I can't seem to elucidate my own thoughts and feelings and be rational.  
  
My best friend is going to marry the woman I truly loved.  
  
But, I'm the best friend. I have to be there for the both of them ALWAYS. No matter what happens. No more, no less. No questions asked. Period.  
  
And learning that they had both died and leaving Harry all alone made me want to explode and turn back time. Maybe if they haven't been going out in our last two years in school, maybe if they hadn't been going strong when we went to work, maybe if they didn't get married, they wouldn't have had died. Maybe if I did some action to please her and us being together, I would still have a best friend beside me and probably a wife and a healthy family. Us, living happily ever after like in those Muggle fairy tales. Maybe I would still have my freedom, an innocent man living a decent life, if I had only taken action. Maybe if I had taken the risk of asking her out, I would not be blamed for betraying two of the most important people in my life. Guess, when I realized all of these...it was too late.  
  
Seeing them both go made me want to kill myself for I didn't only lose them but because of me, Harry didn't have a happy childhood that he deserved for his parents were good people.  
  
Seeing them go felt I had lost a very important part of my own identity for they are my friends...my BEST FRIENDS.  
  
I guess I just have to cross this barrier and move on. I guess, as a return, I'll just give Harry the life he truly deserves. He needs a FAMILY. I will be that family. I just hope that I would not fail again to take action before it is too late to do anything to change the wrongs. I will not commit the same mistake again of not doing what I should do for it might be too late to change what has been done. Once is enough. Two is too much. I won't let my chances slip again even if they are looking at me already face-to-face.  
  
I can't let that happened again. I'm the best friend. I _won't_ let them down.  
  
_SIRIUS _


End file.
